(no subject)

I realize now that my ego was getting the best of me. 

Whatever you need to do right now, I'm ok with it. Maybe someday it will work out between us, maybe not.. Until then I know that our connection is stronger than any of this. We will always be friends. We will always love each other on the most intimate level. I want you to grow and have these awesome experiences. I can be patient. None of it will ever change how I feel about you. What I was feeling before was selfish, childish. It doesn't matter.. You deserve this. 

I love you, my dear. I always will. I hope you're happy. I hope I can just spend a bit of time with you..  Your light is so bright.

(no subject)

up, down, up, up, up....
My life is an emotional rollercoaster. The intensity is too much to bear sometimes. 

Someone I have a lot of respect for gave me his approval. It was the highest compliment my riding has ever received. It casts shadows on anything that happened saturday or sunday. Hero snow at the fur today. I caught fire.

(no subject)

Even though she has a boyfriend, I still know how you feel about her. You two are really good together. She's kind and loving and accepts you the way you are. The hardest part is knowing she's way better for you than I am.

I know we'll always be friends. I know you'll always love me. I know last year was hard and we both drug each other through the mud, but I think a better woman, the right woman, would have handled it better. She would have been better to you.
It hurts knowing I'm not good enough. I'll never be that person. If I knew how, I would.

Today I wanted to tell you how much I love you, how much I will always love you and that I've loved you since before we even spoke.   I just wanted to be near you. I saw you first and I was so excited. Then I saw her too an I had to hide my true feelings. Seeing you two together, so happy hurt so bad. Having to make small talk, and walking away, alone, as she skipped along side you. My heart was broken.

I cried all the way to alpental, all the way up chair one, down the banked slalom, up sessel, through the trees, through the turn I fell in love with you on. I need to snowboard right now. It's the only time I can stop crying, but I've been displaced by the mayhem. It was too hard to be there anyway, I couldn't stop thinking about the first time we talked at the top of chair two, when I told you how I felt about you. I'll never wish that moment away. Even through all the pain, I'm grateful for everything.

There are so few who can match your beauty, your intelligence, your splendor. You deserve the most amazing woman in the world. I've always tried to be her, and deep down I always knew I was failing. I guess I've been in denial until now.

I will always be here for you when you need a friend, but I don't think I can hang out with you anymore.

(no subject)

This was in my heart all night.
I think I'm crazy. And mellowdramatic.
I think maybe I should nurture some other thought right now, but the only one in my head is of us.

For Joel.

wrapped in flannel, down, and the arms of another, I dreamt of a man, a child, I am told. We stood looking out my window and embraced, watching the snowflakes stack themselves in ornamental shapes.

And I miss him. I cried today when I stood in the place and remembered the moment we first spoke. I saw his enigmatic smile as he passed through the world, hitting walls, changing angles. such magnetism. 

I remember when we were jellyfish. That's how I always imagine us now. Dancing and floating and making our way through gullies and over pillows, between the rocks and trees. We lay secret, watching you. We flow and bounce and ride the wave. Unashamed, unleashed and through the wall, we ride.

I love you I love you I love you my dear. You poison my mind. I poison your heart. I'm so far fallen, I'll bring you down with me. Your friends disagree, but I know your beauty. I'll drag you down, my sweet boy. So distance is kept, I'll do what's best. Be the bigger child.. and through my tantrum over here.

But, oh my dear friend, how much I love you.
I miss you.
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(no subject)

I just had the weirdest dream

It started with me river rafting with my family. My grandmother was there and she brought a friend. One rapid in, they decided it was too gnarly and got out. I remember her saying something about going shopping and she'd see us later. I cried because I realized at that point how frail she was and that I may never see her again. I feel like this was an analogy for her death, which I'm very afraid of.

The next thing I remember is being at a top foods at night..There were big open cases of water out front and I stole one instead of filling my waterbottle with slightly warmer tap water.

As we were packing up my mom and I were the last ones left. We got in a huge fight that I'm still shaking from. she told me how mean I was and was generally , in my opinion, acting like a victim. she was being very weak. She felt very sorry for herself. This drove me nuts. She acted like I just made her feel terrible. We were driving around the parking lot of the top foods and when we parked the toyota tacoma.. we were next to kimmy and otis. She rolled her window down but there was this iridescent copper gauze covering the window still. We were both saying certain key phrases loudenough for them to hear.. and hopefully be sympathetic to our side of the argument. I said at one point, you're acting like such a weakling, what do you expect from me? Why am I never good enough?

I believe she was plaing victim and I was calling her out.. maybe I'm never good enough for myself either. Was I arguing with the parts of myself that I see in my mom?

Then She said I had to drive the tacoma hom and she would take my car. I also had to pick up my cousin from work. I cried in the truck for a long time and then got out to hook up the trailer. when I pulled away to get gas (this argument may have been over gas... OH! I remember... it started because it was on empty and she got mad at me for leaving it so. I told her that I've driven really far with the gas light on.. and when mine comes on in my car.. and I fill it up, I always have two gallons left.. and that it would be fine, we'll make it to the pump which is a block away.. she took offense to this and started acting like I was being mean. I told her then that she was being a weak little baby about the whole thing and to stop being so anxious all the time.. then the other stuff happened)

So after the argument and hooking up the trailer, I drove to the gas station in the lot. I tried to park a couple times and struggled.. then something mae a loud noise and I got out. I saw what maybe

was a transmission sitting on the ground and a bunch of wires and chains that aparently were for the trailer. I then realized that I hooked it up to the front hitch some how and (???) and it had ripped a bunch of shit off the truck. Also a bunch of tools fell out of the back, where there was a trunk with a spare wheel compartment.  Then the guy from napa who talks weird and fast came over to help clean up. I was freaking out and pissed.. 

I was thinking about where I was gonna go.. (not home) and then Travis (who aparently is my cousin) got in the truck and I realized I still had to take him home.. I wanted to leave him or take him with me wherever.. I woke.

I'll rewrite this when I get a chance into something more ledgible.. just had to get it down on paper.